This just hit the nail on the head

I am not a country music fan at all, but this song is basically me and Austin. Michelle showed it to me today at work, and I damn near cried. It’s every emotion I have for Austin that I don’t tell.

+++lyrics+++
I’ve been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I’ve been laying here praying, praying she won’t call
It’s just another call from home
And you’ll get it and be gone
And I’ll be crying

And I’ll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I’ll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we’ll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I’m dying

What do I have to do to make you see
She can’t love you like me?

Why don’t you stay
I’m down on my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely
Don’t I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don’t have to live this way
Baby, why don’t you stay

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don’t think that’s the truth
And I don’t like being used and I’m tired of waiting
It’s too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share

Why don’t you stay
I’m down on my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely
Don’t I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don’t have to live this way
Baby, why don’t you stay

I can’t take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can’t waste another minute
After all that I’ve put in it
I’ve given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don’t you stay
I’m up off my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely
You can’t give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don’t have to live this way
Baby, why don’t you stay, yeah

What a crazy week…

On Sunday, I was informed that my boss was aware of mine and Austin’s relationship. I spoke with Austin about this. He said that we would deal with it when he talked to us. We would politely tell him that what we do as two consulting adults was between us, and had nothing to with him. That resulted in a very emotion filled drive into work on Monday.  At 9:30 AM, everyone was kicked out of the office except for me and Austin. He said he had known for months. He told us that he didn’t want me to be with Austin when he was working nights and he doesn’t want his business involved. Ok, I’m fine with that. Totally understandable. It didn’t stop there. He proceeded to tell us how what we are doing is wrong (yeah, we know… ) and how we are not to continue. He thinks I’m going to tell Austin’s wife. Uh, no. That would be beyond ridiculous.

Our boss decided that as a punishment, I would be suspended for one week without pay. It’s ok. It’s not like I have bills to pay or that I need to eat or anything. So I left, dumbfounded. I don’t understand the reasoning behind be being suspended. Austin doesn’t either.

I’ve never been suspended from any job I’ve ever had. I was driving around for three hours just crying. I had no where to go. I couldn’t go home and hear how I fucked up from my mother. That’s the last thing I wanted to deal with. Eventually,  I went to Josh’s. I told him I got suspended for something stupid and small. He knows my boss is an egotistical fuck nugget, so it was believable. I continued to go to Josh’s everyday, letting my mother believe I was going to work.

It’s really hard to spend 8 hours with someone you don’t have feelings for and all you want to do is cry because the person you do have feelings for you can’t see.

Austin has been in just as bad emotionally as I have all week. Like me, he hasn’t been able to eat. They had a former employee fill in for me, she just messed it all up. We have barely spoken, we have have talked about it. We are taking it one step at a time. We are not over. Neither one of us wants that. I do think it would be best if I just quit and he never saw me again, but he will not hear it. And I know if I quit, he will too.

Austin keeps trying to give me money to get through the week. He is blaming himself, while I’m blaming myself. I won’t take his money.

 

Work tomorrow is going to be awkward. Michelle knows what happened, she knows the whole story. But everyone else is rather confused as to why I was suspended. On top of that, I have to play nice with my boss when I really don’t want to. I want to lay him out and put him in his place.

Josh…

I don’t like talking to Austin about mine and Josh’s shitty relationship.  But I do tell Austin how much I appreciate his entire being after spending more than five minutes with Josh and his douchebaggery.  And yes, that is the actual text I sent Austin.  His simple response made me smile.

I woke up hating Josh today. He had finally gotten a job, working from home (because not being a lazy piece of shit would be ridiculous). This is his first job in the six and a half years we’ve been together.  Two weeks into it, he was already looking for other jobs. That’s normal, but his idea of a better job is continuing to sit at home and sell his parents junk on ebay. Lucky for him, three weeks into this at home tech job, he was fired.
His car hasn’t ran in 3 years. After getting fired from this job, he decided it would be a good time to finally get his car fixed. He saved up some money from the two checks he got. Normal people take it to a mechanic. He decided to use his unreliable junkie friend. They got it running, new brakes and rotors and new wires and coils. Fails inspection for emissions. Would probably have been cheaper and done faster, and right, if he just went to a mechanic.
Every time Josh and I are together,  the things I like are horrible.  For example, my xm presets. I’m a 90’s kid. I like Cobain’s whiney voice, Nsync makes me smile, and Gangster’s Paradise is my jam. This is what I jam out to. He hates it. All of it. Any channel I have on, he hates that artist, he hates that song, and he mocks it the entire time. Then he just goes ahead and changes the station. Doesn’t ask, just does.  And he puts on the most obnoxious thing he can find. I hate Pink Floyd, he puts that on. Or the café and electronica stations. Not his car. Not his radio. Not his ears he’s making bleed.
Six and a half years together, we have never once done festive things for any holiday.  Today is the 4th of July. Yesterday he said he wants to go see fire works. I told him I’m not up for it. I have a brand new car. I’m not gonna risk it to watch things explode in the sky for 20 minutes, fight for parking,  fight to get out of there and sit uncomfortably on the wet grass watching kids scream in terror. No, I do not find it enjoyable.
Josh is does a pretty stellar job of making me feel horrible about going out with friends. I tell him I’m going out with Michelle to a bar (he doesn’t like bars, and doesn’t drink, and hates people who drink…). He tells me that I owe him. I owe him for me not sitting at home at my house where he doesn’t live and I just stare at my computer screen where he doesn’t talk to me.
We got lunch today. Finally got him to pay for something. My only food request was no fast food. I eat it everyday at work. Cheese steaks. That’s what we got. Pizzarias are fast food for me. He knows this. He’s just too spiteful to give a shit.
I’m not allowed to have an emotion other than happy. Anything else is completely unacceptable. If I’m sad, I get told to get over it. If I’m frustrated and angry,  I get told it’s not a big deal. He doesn’t hold me when I cry. And he doesn’t wipe away the tears. He does nothing to make me feel better about myself.
His idea of date night is to be in his room in his parents house watching some nonsensical show. Fine and dandy. Except his door doesn’t stay shut, his bed is uncomfortable, and it’s sweltering.  I want to do things in the real world. Not sit inside every night.
We haven’t had sex in 2 years. I’m not attracted to him. All I am to him is a toy. Every 5 minutes he’s grabbing my chest. No matter where we are. I know they’re new and expensive,  but they aren’t for him. They’re for me. I don’t like being grabbed at, and I tell him to stop all the time,  but he doesn’t.  He likes to being up our lack of intimacy at bad times. Like when we’re out to dinner and the waitress is trying to ask us what we want to drink.

I’m beyond miserable in this relationship,  and my every time I try to end it, he turns it around and I end up apologizing to him. EVERY TIME. I’m stuck with this piece of shit forever.

3rd wheel syndrome

The past week I’ve felt out of place. It’s like high school and I can’t find my niche. I’m that weird kid that no one wants to talk to and is just there. Not 100% invisible, though. I’m there when they need my lighter, or some meaningless task they don’t want to do. But no one asks how my day is or if I could use their help with something.  I’m perpetually the 3rd wheel in every situation I’m in.