Have you ever felt as though you serve no purpose? I add no value to anyone else’s life, and absolutely nothing to my own. It seems as though I’m only here to pick up everyone’s slack. Everything gets piled on me at work, while the rest of the office staff is playing Candy Crush on Facebook. You want to get your dick wet? I’m flattered I’m your last resort.  Food, money, a ride. I’m here to please. No one offers me any help. No one is taking a load off of me.

I’m going to be 25. I’m still living in my mothers basement, and I can’t keep my room clean. I’m still in the same miserable relationship I’ve been in for the last seven years because he wont just let me leave. He doesn’t accept that I don’t love him anymore as a viable excuse. And even if I did get rid of him, that leaves me alone. I don’t care about the not being in a relationship part, but I’d have no one in my life. Just me and my cats. My mother and sisters aren’t good for conversation. I get to hear their worries and watch them wait for me to offer to assist them with their problems. But when I have my own problems, they’re ignored.

Friends? Yeah right. More people that only talk to me if they need something. The moment I can’t help them, they’re gone.

I should just accept that I will never make more than a hair over minimum wage. I’ll always do the most, and make the least. It’s how it always has been, and It’s not looking too promising for the future. Despite having a management position at work, I still make shit pay. I even got more tasks added on because the office manager was “overwhelmed”. Bullshit. She’s lazy. I have enough of my own shit to do. They can train dumb and dumber how to do something. But that would involve the office manger actually doing her job.

This life thing is fucking pointless to me.

The Mistress Guidelines

Something urged me to Google search “Rules for dating a married man” today. I found negative posts, and positive posts. They all said the typical things that are said, “it wont end well”, “he wont leave his family for you”, “keep it quiet” and so on. I feel that not one of them actually gave information that someone would be looking for, and actually made me feel worse about being alone this Friday night. Then I realized that in the last year and a half with Austin, I have experienced a plethora of emotions and situations and thoughts about this thing that we are. So why not make a list of it all and maybe help someone else out?

  1. Think before you speak
    This is important. Very important. There have been plenty of times where I have said something, and he has taken it COMPLETELY out of context which resulted in him thinking he’s holding me back from perusing anyone else. After he got jealous about me getting a little extra attention from someone, I told him that I only want him at the moment. I can see how that can be taken out of context, but what I meant was that what we have going on right now is working out perfectly for me, and anyone else would just be a headache for me. So always THINK. Even if it take you a while to send that text back, just look at what you’re saying from all angles. How is he going to take it? If you don’t want him to run, don’t give him a reason to.
  2. Avoid the word LOVE at all costs
    Its a strong word with a lot of meaning in it. Both of us have that emotion festering inside, but it will never be said. It can’t be. Even though its unspokenly there, saying that four letter word makes things so much more complicated. In the end, we can feel it all we want, but neither of us can do a damn thing about it. We do not say the “L” word at all. Not in regards to each other, and not in regards to things. I will never say “I love that color” in front of him. It’s out of respect for the fact that we can only express this towards each other, but never verbally confirm it.
  3. Learn to be OK with all possible outcomes
    The likely hood he is going to leave his family for you is small. I know you throw the thought around in your head from time to time, but be logical. He may not want that. Austin has been with his wife for ten years. They have a five year old kid.  I have zero expectations of him leaving the life that he has built for a decade for me. In all honesty, I don’t want that. I’m not worth it. As much of a connection as me and him have, and even though we both like each other “more than we should”, I don’t want to completely destroy his life. Then there is the very very slim chance that he will leave his family for you. Are you prepared to step in where someone just was? Will you emotionally support his divorce and possible custody decision? Are you willing to accept his kids? This is what you need to think about.
  4. Prepare to be hated
    Not only if he leaves his wife and family for you, but if anyone were to know. There are people out there that will be happy that you’re happy and OK with the situation, and then there are the ones that think this is the worst possible thing ever. You will get called a home wrecking whore. People will question you as a person as well as your morals. It’s part of this. Ignore them. We all have our reasons for doing this. I’m doing it for companionship. Some do it just for the excitement of it. But some will just not like you for it. Accept it. The ultimate hatred you will receive is from his wife, should she ever find out. Females, for some reason unbeknownst to me, will hate the other female only for a while. She will blame it all on you. She will hate him too, but you’re the succubus who stole her husband’s soul. She will confront you, she will scream at you, and its very possible she will take a swing at you. If she’s gonna flip shit, make sure it’s on both of you. You’re both the ones in deep shit together.
  5. Have one friend that can keep quiet
    It’s a hard situation to deal with alone. You want to gush to someone about how he did the most romantic thing anyone has ever done to you, but you cant tell a soul about the two of you. Having one friend to tell and talk to about it really helps a lot. It helps you organize your thoughts and keep your emotions under control. They’ll tell you if you’re starting to turn into a psycho girlfriend, and they usually work for a good cover for you if you’re already in a relationship. It just helps you to have that one person outside of the situation to talk to.
  6. Don’t obsess
    Oh how much time I have spent just missing him, and thinking about him. He was on my mine 24/7, until I realized that it wasn’t worth it to build this fantasy in my head of things that will never happen. It’s OK to miss him and to have a passing thought about him, but don’t dwell on these things. Enjoy the time when you’re together. Do NOT make him you’re everything. You aren’t dating. He isn’t yours. He will not come over and have dinner with your and your parents on holidays. Just try to push these thoughts out of your head or it will drive you insane with jealousy and rage.
  7. Don’t think about it
    It’s hard to hear, but he’s not yours to keep. You have to give him back at the end of the day. It’s best to not think about what happens when he’s home. If he hasn’t told you, don’t ask. I beat myself up with the thought about what happens when his wife comes home drunk and she’s ready to go. I have to stop myself from wondering if hes is partaking in the rare occurrence of sleeping with his wife. I’m sure they are, but the thought hurts. It hurts a lot more than I can even describe. Try to only focus on your times together, and not theirs. It will destroy you if you don’t.
  8. Accept his obligations
    Of course you want to be his one and only, but you signed this invisible contract that states that you’re #4 on his priority list. His wife, kids, and job all come first. You have to accept that. You’re feeling not so pretty, kinda lonely, and you just want to curl up with someone and watch a movie, but he is with his family that night and can’t get away. You’re gonna get upset and feel pushed aside and like you don’t matter. But you’re gonna have to put on your big girl panties and deal with it. There is no reason to get upset with him over this. Shake your head, level out those thoughts, take a deep breath, and smile. It isn’t the end of the world. You’ll get him when your schedules don’t clash.

The things I can’t say to you

Things have not gone as planned. This was supposed to just be for fun and to make up for what each of us were lacking in our own lives. It was supposed to be temporary. A year and a half later, it has turned into much than either of us expected. Now we’re in this. There’s feelings of wanting this to end and not get anymore complicated than it has, but there is the pull thats keeping us together.  I, by no means, expect you to walk away from everything you have for me. And I won’t leave what I have for fear of becoming even more attached to you.
Unfortunately, you’re everything I could ever want. You’re smart,  funny, impulsive, romantic, adventurous, and you have hobbies you’re passionate about. It’s bittersweet when you reach for my hand,  because as much as I enjoy the thought of you wanting me and not needing me, I know at the end of the night, I have to let go of that hand and give you back. You’re not mine to keep and I’m not yours.
There are a thousand and one things I want to ask you and want to tell you, but I bite my tongue. I want to tell you that I want nothing more than for you to fall asleep next to me, and still be there when I wake up. I want to know what you do when your wife comes home shitfaced and she’s ready to go. Would you deny her, like she has done to you for years, or do you do ask expected? I’m not sure I want to know the truth to that.
You won’t talk about how you feel about me. The only thing you’ll say is that you care about me a lot
and I’m more than just a lay. That will have to do. I understand that you don’t want to voice it. If it’s not said it’s not real. I don’t want to tell you that I’m so infatuated and smitten with you, even when you’re upset with me and we’re bickering. Thoughts of you help me fall asleep, and I pick up where I left off as soon as I wake up. You’re always front and center in my mind, and it’s not by choice.
I shouldn’t be this hung up on you, but my heart wants you in my life. You mean everything to me, and I worry this is going to destroy you. I’ve tried to pull myself away from you. I’d hurt myself if it means you can live without looking over your shoulder and worrying if someone you know is in the same building as us. But you won’t let me leave you. You’re as much in this as I am, and that scares me. I don’t want to be the reason behind your pain at the end of all of this.

Last night…

Well, my boss asked for me back. I’m not in the office, but I’m working from home and it’s rather awesome. I’ll be back in the office eventually,  but we both agreed that we need to let shit blow over.

Last night I had a date with Austin.  After being confined to my house for the last 3 weeks, I needed it. I was sure he was gonna end everything with me by the way he was acting. Nope. We went out for drinks, then back to his house. On the way back he said he had a surprise for me. He wouldn’t even hint towards what it was.  So we get back to his house and I go in to pee. As soon as I leave the bathroom,  he picks me up, throws me over his shoulder,  and puts me in his truck. Then we drive to the field across the street from his house and make our way to his deer stand. He turns off the truck and tells me to get out and walk to the bed of the truck. There are blankets and pillows lining the bed. The stars were out. You can imagine what had happened next. And that was amazing in itself,  but with everything else.. being out there in the field,  under the stars, it made it even better.

Back on the hunt for a job

I didn’t lose mine. Not yet anyway.  I feel it coming. Shits gonna be going down soon. My boss sent out a text this morning stating that “dating, fraternizing, and/or messing around” amongst employees is against policy and will result in termination of one of the parties involved.  We don’t have a list of policies. Everything changes from day to day, depending on his level of roid rage.
Michelle is now dating an employee for a month. They’re both happy. Shits going good, still new, all that jazz. Michelle called our boss and asked her if his text this morning was about her. He said she is exempt from that rule. He believes that something is still going on between Austin and I.. there is, but it DOES NOT concern him. At all. End of story. He has no right to tell me who I can and can not sleep with.
And to make my Sunday even better, the new girl in the office sent me a novel. (Whyyyyyyy do females write novels in text messages?) She wants to know why I don’t like her and that she knows about me and Austin and wants me to know that she doesn’t want him.  Yeah, I don’t like her. She’s a fucking doorknob. I’ve never before in my life met someone with such a low I.Q. And I’m not threatened by her at all. Austin shows no interest I her. She’s not his type and he seems to only have eyes for me. I just can’t stand her demeanor or the way she presents herself. We should have never hired her.

Just fucking lonely

I wake up alone. I go to bed alone. I spend my evenings alone. I’m just alone. Yeah, I have Josh, but I don’t like dealing with his ignorant comments or him constantly making me feel like less of a person. I’m just tired of seeing everyone else have someone to curl up next to, and I’m crying myself to sleep every night because it’s just me and my cat. As much as I love my cat to pieces, and he does everything he can to comfort me, he’s not rubbing my head to help me fall asleep. He’s not snuggled in with his arm around me. I’ve settled with just turning a pillow sideways to give the effect of someone next to me…

I tried to see if Austin would be able to escape his family for a few hours this weekend, but he said probably not. No effort put into the thought of it. I put effort into this affair. I take the risk with coming up with last minute lame excuses as to why I’m not home or why I’m not online. Why can’t he do the same for me?
I asked Austin what he wants out of us and what I am to him. He’s not giving me an answer. He just keeps saying it can’t be more than it is.  I get that. But what is it? I just want to know what role I’m playing.  I don’t know if I’m just his whore, his mistress, if we’re friends with benefits.  I don’t know and after a year of us, I kinda would like a clue about it. I know how I feel about him. But I don’t know how he feels about me. I want to adapt to what he wants, and he’s not making it easy to get a clear answer.

This just hit the nail on the head

I am not a country music fan at all, but this song is basically me and Austin. Michelle showed it to me today at work, and I damn near cried. It’s every emotion I have for Austin that I don’t tell.

+++lyrics+++
I’ve been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I’ve been laying here praying, praying she won’t call
It’s just another call from home
And you’ll get it and be gone
And I’ll be crying

And I’ll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I’ll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we’ll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I’m dying

What do I have to do to make you see
She can’t love you like me?

Why don’t you stay
I’m down on my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely
Don’t I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don’t have to live this way
Baby, why don’t you stay

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don’t think that’s the truth
And I don’t like being used and I’m tired of waiting
It’s too much pain to have to bear
To love a man you have to share

Why don’t you stay
I’m down on my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely
Don’t I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don’t have to live this way
Baby, why don’t you stay

I can’t take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can’t waste another minute
After all that I’ve put in it
I’ve given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don’t you stay
I’m up off my knees
I’m so tired of being lonely
You can’t give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don’t have to live this way
Baby, why don’t you stay, yeah

What a crazy week…

On Sunday, I was informed that my boss was aware of mine and Austin’s relationship. I spoke with Austin about this. He said that we would deal with it when he talked to us. We would politely tell him that what we do as two consulting adults was between us, and had nothing to with him. That resulted in a very emotion filled drive into work on Monday.  At 9:30 AM, everyone was kicked out of the office except for me and Austin. He said he had known for months. He told us that he didn’t want me to be with Austin when he was working nights and he doesn’t want his business involved. Ok, I’m fine with that. Totally understandable. It didn’t stop there. He proceeded to tell us how what we are doing is wrong (yeah, we know… ) and how we are not to continue. He thinks I’m going to tell Austin’s wife. Uh, no. That would be beyond ridiculous.

Our boss decided that as a punishment, I would be suspended for one week without pay. It’s ok. It’s not like I have bills to pay or that I need to eat or anything. So I left, dumbfounded. I don’t understand the reasoning behind be being suspended. Austin doesn’t either.

I’ve never been suspended from any job I’ve ever had. I was driving around for three hours just crying. I had no where to go. I couldn’t go home and hear how I fucked up from my mother. That’s the last thing I wanted to deal with. Eventually,  I went to Josh’s. I told him I got suspended for something stupid and small. He knows my boss is an egotistical fuck nugget, so it was believable. I continued to go to Josh’s everyday, letting my mother believe I was going to work.

It’s really hard to spend 8 hours with someone you don’t have feelings for and all you want to do is cry because the person you do have feelings for you can’t see.

Austin has been in just as bad emotionally as I have all week. Like me, he hasn’t been able to eat. They had a former employee fill in for me, she just messed it all up. We have barely spoken, we have have talked about it. We are taking it one step at a time. We are not over. Neither one of us wants that. I do think it would be best if I just quit and he never saw me again, but he will not hear it. And I know if I quit, he will too.

Austin keeps trying to give me money to get through the week. He is blaming himself, while I’m blaming myself. I won’t take his money.

 

Work tomorrow is going to be awkward. Michelle knows what happened, she knows the whole story. But everyone else is rather confused as to why I was suspended. On top of that, I have to play nice with my boss when I really don’t want to. I want to lay him out and put him in his place.

Josh…

image

I don’t like talking to Austin about mine and Josh’s shitty relationship.  But I do tell Austin how much I appreciate his entire being after spending more than five minutes with Josh and his douchebaggery.  And yes, that is the actual text I sent Austin.  His simple response made me smile.

I woke up hating Josh today. He had finally gotten a job, working from home (because not being a lazy piece of shit would be ridiculous). This is his first job in the six and a half years we’ve been together.  Two weeks into it, he was already looking for other jobs. That’s normal, but his idea of a better job is continuing to sit at home and sell his parents junk on ebay. Lucky for him, three weeks into this at home tech job, he was fired.
His car hasn’t ran in 3 years. After getting fired from this job, he decided it would be a good time to finally get his car fixed. He saved up some money from the two checks he got. Normal people take it to a mechanic. He decided to use his unreliable junkie friend. They got it running, new brakes and rotors and new wires and coils. Fails inspection for emissions. Would probably have been cheaper and done faster, and right, if he just went to a mechanic.
Every time Josh and I are together,  the things I like are horrible.  For example, my xm presets. I’m a 90’s kid. I like Cobain’s whiney voice, Nsync makes me smile, and Gangster’s Paradise is my jam. This is what I jam out to. He hates it. All of it. Any channel I have on, he hates that artist, he hates that song, and he mocks it the entire time. Then he just goes ahead and changes the station. Doesn’t ask, just does.  And he puts on the most obnoxious thing he can find. I hate Pink Floyd, he puts that on. Or the café and electronica stations. Not his car. Not his radio. Not his ears he’s making bleed.
Six and a half years together, we have never once done festive things for any holiday.  Today is the 4th of July. Yesterday he said he wants to go see fire works. I told him I’m not up for it. I have a brand new car. I’m not gonna risk it to watch things explode in the sky for 20 minutes, fight for parking,  fight to get out of there and sit uncomfortably on the wet grass watching kids scream in terror. No, I do not find it enjoyable.
Josh is does a pretty stellar job of making me feel horrible about going out with friends. I tell him I’m going out with Michelle to a bar (he doesn’t like bars, and doesn’t drink, and hates people who drink…). He tells me that I owe him. I owe him for me not sitting at home at my house where he doesn’t live and I just stare at my computer screen where he doesn’t talk to me.
We got lunch today. Finally got him to pay for something. My only food request was no fast food. I eat it everyday at work. Cheese steaks. That’s what we got. Pizzarias are fast food for me. He knows this. He’s just too spiteful to give a shit.
I’m not allowed to have an emotion other than happy. Anything else is completely unacceptable. If I’m sad, I get told to get over it. If I’m frustrated and angry,  I get told it’s not a big deal. He doesn’t hold me when I cry. And he doesn’t wipe away the tears. He does nothing to make me feel better about myself.
His idea of date night is to be in his room in his parents house watching some nonsensical show. Fine and dandy. Except his door doesn’t stay shut, his bed is uncomfortable, and it’s sweltering.  I want to do things in the real world. Not sit inside every night.
We haven’t had sex in 2 years. I’m not attracted to him. All I am to him is a toy. Every 5 minutes he’s grabbing my chest. No matter where we are. I know they’re new and expensive,  but they aren’t for him. They’re for me. I don’t like being grabbed at, and I tell him to stop all the time,  but he doesn’t.  He likes to being up our lack of intimacy at bad times. Like when we’re out to dinner and the waitress is trying to ask us what we want to drink.

I’m beyond miserable in this relationship,  and my every time I try to end it, he turns it around and I end up apologizing to him. EVERY TIME. I’m stuck with this piece of shit forever.